Three Very Special Christmas Conversations
1 CommentsBy Lostcheerio on Tuesday, December 23, 2008 at 8:04 PM.
1.
Me: I feel kind of bad that I don't bake or have traditional meals or anything at Christmas time.
Dan: Well, that's okay. No one minds or expects you to.
Me: I still feel guilty.
Dan: Think about it though -- how often have your really been here at Christmastime when you weren't too pregnant to be alive anyway.
Me: You're right! That's right! I'm never here at Christmas time! I am completely absolved!
Dan: Yay!
Me: Gee, honey, you could have gotten something homemade out of me on that one. You really played that wrong!
Dan: Did I?
2.
Sadie: This is pink puppy! She's the strongest of all the dogs! She eats bullets! And guns! And monkey meat and kangaroo meat! And then, most furiously, CHEETAH MEAT!
3.
Me: We have to take toilet paper upstairs when we go to bed. There's none in our bathroom.
Dan: Well we don't *have* to.
Me: Oh really? What are our other options?
Dan: We could just scoot around on the rug.
Me: I feel kind of bad that I don't bake or have traditional meals or anything at Christmas time.
Dan: Well, that's okay. No one minds or expects you to.
Me: I still feel guilty.
Dan: Think about it though -- how often have your really been here at Christmastime when you weren't too pregnant to be alive anyway.
Me: You're right! That's right! I'm never here at Christmas time! I am completely absolved!
Dan: Yay!
Me: Gee, honey, you could have gotten something homemade out of me on that one. You really played that wrong!
Dan: Did I?
2.
Sadie: This is pink puppy! She's the strongest of all the dogs! She eats bullets! And guns! And monkey meat and kangaroo meat! And then, most furiously, CHEETAH MEAT!
3.
Me: We have to take toilet paper upstairs when we go to bed. There's none in our bathroom.
Dan: Well we don't *have* to.
Me: Oh really? What are our other options?
Dan: We could just scoot around on the rug.
Labels: conversations, husband
I have decided that the missing factor in my weight loss plan is nerdiness. I am a big nerd and while I am not really comfortable with analysis and introspection, I do really like rules, specific orders, and competition. I also really like computers and games and ticking things off in boxes and little icons and social networking. So when my friend Joshilyn suggested that we do Weight Watchers Online, it was as if the clouds had parted an a single sunbeam shone down on my face.
The Weight Watchers site is high on ticky-ticky boxes and rules and things to click. It is a little low on social networking. However, I feel that if I look for 2 seconds I will find a WW Flickr group, a WW Facebook group, and many more ways to get my nerd on. The idea is to make weight loss more like a computer game. If this can be done, I will be svelte in mere moments.
So tomorrow is my first weigh-in. I am optimistic. I haven't weighed myself since the beginning of the 50 day challenge, so who knows? Maybe I have actually lost those 20 pounds already, and replaced them with good thoughts or kind intentions of equal volume!
Me: So, do you feel confident in my ability to properly execute Weight Watchers?
Dan: (trying to watch The Simpsons) Mmm hmm.
Me: Do you ever wish I would just shut the hell up so you could watch The Simpsons?
Dan: Aww, honey, I never wish you would shut up.
Me: You are the nicest husband in the whole entire universe!
Dan: Shut up.
The Weight Watchers site is high on ticky-ticky boxes and rules and things to click. It is a little low on social networking. However, I feel that if I look for 2 seconds I will find a WW Flickr group, a WW Facebook group, and many more ways to get my nerd on. The idea is to make weight loss more like a computer game. If this can be done, I will be svelte in mere moments.
So tomorrow is my first weigh-in. I am optimistic. I haven't weighed myself since the beginning of the 50 day challenge, so who knows? Maybe I have actually lost those 20 pounds already, and replaced them with good thoughts or kind intentions of equal volume!
Me: So, do you feel confident in my ability to properly execute Weight Watchers?
Dan: (trying to watch The Simpsons) Mmm hmm.
Me: Do you ever wish I would just shut the hell up so you could watch The Simpsons?
Dan: Aww, honey, I never wish you would shut up.
Me: You are the nicest husband in the whole entire universe!
Dan: Shut up.
Labels: conversations, husband, personal, weight watchers
Benny: Mother. I read my whole new Captain Underpants book in one night! IMAGINE IT! A whole Captain Underpants book in ONE NIGHT.
Me: I can hardly imagine it. What did you think of it?
Benny: There was exactly 25 chapters. And the most funny part is that the last three were extras And when it came to the 22nd chapter, it was name "The Twenty-Second Chapter." Then the next chapter was "The Chapter Before the Last One." And then on the next one it said, "To Make a Long Story Short" and every chapter that was like that, there are two words in it. So it's like that one is a bonus chapter. It was a bonus chapter, did you hear me?
Me: Yes.
Benny: OKAY, so why did I say it repeatedly?
Me: Hmm.
Benny: And then the last chapter was called "The Chapter After the Chapter Before the Last Chapter." So, the shortest way to write that down was "The Last Chapter." In fact, that's only three words. The. Last. Chapter. That would be the shortest way to write it down.
Me: What did you think of the characters and plot?
Benny: It was like, what's that word, demanding. Professor Poopypants (everybody laughed at his name, I'm sure you will, I do a lot) changed his name to Mr. TinkleSumpinSumpin. I know the first part was Tinkle, but I don't know the rest. There's also the goosey-girl, the shrinky pig, which you might think makes things smaller. Like if you had a giant elephant and you were trying to clean it, you could use the shrinky pig and then it will turn into this big. Right here. This big. Then you could pour a whole bucket of soapy water on it, then a whole bucket of clean water, and then you'd be done. That's how the shrinky pig works. Well, not the bucket thing. But the elephant thing.
Me: But what did you think of the plot.
Benny: I'm just explaining the inventions that were in the plot. The way the goosey girl works is that if you saw a speck and you were wondering what it was, you would use the goosey girl and it would grow very big, like this big, and if it was a FLY, then you'd have to roll it out of the house. That's how the goosey girl works, not the fly thing, but the making the speck bigger thing.
Me: Hmm.
Benny: HEY MOTHER. Do you know what his middle name was? PEE PEE. Professor Pee pee Poopypants. Okay, on with the plot.
Me: You don't have to tell me the plot. Just tell me what you think of the plot.
Benny: First I'll tell you that if you haven't read this book, then it will really be funny. Mr. Crup, the principal, had his name turned into Lumpy Sumpin Biscuits. Put sumpin in italics. I can't remember the other word but if anyone comments on that "Sumpin" just say "Sumpin" like I don't know.
(Benny has become aware that I am typing the conversation, and argues that the title be changed from C.U. Review to C.U. Conversation.)
Me: Can you tell me what you thought about the story?
Benny: This was the second one I saw Captain Underpants with his superpowers. They're so amazing! He can even fly! He was so big, and he attacked really well. The professor, I thought his two names were very funny.
Me: How does it compare to other books in the series?
Benny: Compared to other books, I liked the Flip-O-Rama a lot. Flip-O-Rama is Dav Pilkey's invention. He invented Flip-O-Rama.
Me: I can hardly imagine it. What did you think of it?
Benny: There was exactly 25 chapters. And the most funny part is that the last three were extras And when it came to the 22nd chapter, it was name "The Twenty-Second Chapter." Then the next chapter was "The Chapter Before the Last One." And then on the next one it said, "To Make a Long Story Short" and every chapter that was like that, there are two words in it. So it's like that one is a bonus chapter. It was a bonus chapter, did you hear me?
Me: Yes.
Benny: OKAY, so why did I say it repeatedly?
Me: Hmm.
Benny: And then the last chapter was called "The Chapter After the Chapter Before the Last Chapter." So, the shortest way to write that down was "The Last Chapter." In fact, that's only three words. The. Last. Chapter. That would be the shortest way to write it down.
Me: What did you think of the characters and plot?
Benny: It was like, what's that word, demanding. Professor Poopypants (everybody laughed at his name, I'm sure you will, I do a lot) changed his name to Mr. TinkleSumpinSumpin. I know the first part was Tinkle, but I don't know the rest. There's also the goosey-girl, the shrinky pig, which you might think makes things smaller. Like if you had a giant elephant and you were trying to clean it, you could use the shrinky pig and then it will turn into this big. Right here. This big. Then you could pour a whole bucket of soapy water on it, then a whole bucket of clean water, and then you'd be done. That's how the shrinky pig works. Well, not the bucket thing. But the elephant thing.
Me: But what did you think of the plot.
Benny: I'm just explaining the inventions that were in the plot. The way the goosey girl works is that if you saw a speck and you were wondering what it was, you would use the goosey girl and it would grow very big, like this big, and if it was a FLY, then you'd have to roll it out of the house. That's how the goosey girl works, not the fly thing, but the making the speck bigger thing.
Me: Hmm.
Benny: HEY MOTHER. Do you know what his middle name was? PEE PEE. Professor Pee pee Poopypants. Okay, on with the plot.
Me: You don't have to tell me the plot. Just tell me what you think of the plot.
Benny: First I'll tell you that if you haven't read this book, then it will really be funny. Mr. Crup, the principal, had his name turned into Lumpy Sumpin Biscuits. Put sumpin in italics. I can't remember the other word but if anyone comments on that "Sumpin" just say "Sumpin" like I don't know.
(Benny has become aware that I am typing the conversation, and argues that the title be changed from C.U. Review to C.U. Conversation.)
Me: Can you tell me what you thought about the story?
Benny: This was the second one I saw Captain Underpants with his superpowers. They're so amazing! He can even fly! He was so big, and he attacked really well. The professor, I thought his two names were very funny.
Me: How does it compare to other books in the series?
Benny: Compared to other books, I liked the Flip-O-Rama a lot. Flip-O-Rama is Dav Pilkey's invention. He invented Flip-O-Rama.
Labels: benny, conversations
1.
Sadie: Mom, are you a princess?
Me: No.
Sadie: Oh, are you just an owdinawy mom?
Me: Yes.
Sadie: (With utmost sympathy) I'm sowwy.
2.
Me: Nobody loves me. Nobody cares. I'm all alone in the world and I'll probably die soon.
(This is my standard thing that I say to Dan when I want what I call "love and support" but what translates to "undivided attention." If I have any male readers, I will now give you a moment to celebrate the fact that you're not married to me.)
Dan: (standard response) Oh, honey, I love you.
Me: Am I PMS-ing?
Dan: (standard response) No, no.
Me: Because I feel like I just *had* PMS.
Dan: Me too, dear. Me too.
3.
I was talking to Benny about priorities and how the amount of time we spend in the day doing something can be an indicator for how important it is in our lives, even though we may not realize it. So I asked him, what was the most important thing to him, and he said, "It's my family, mother. Spending time with you and Sadie and Dad. That's all I really care about." I had intended to turn this into a lesson about how reading a book does more for your brain than playing Lego Star Wars on the Playstation, but after that completely heartfelt and earnest response, delivered with this beautiful face of openness and urgency, I didn't have the heart. I told him I felt the same way. What eight-year-old boy says something like that!!! This child has no relationship with sarcasm. None. He is the most un-cynical person I know.
Sadie: Mom, are you a princess?
Me: No.
Sadie: Oh, are you just an owdinawy mom?
Me: Yes.
Sadie: (With utmost sympathy) I'm sowwy.
2.
Me: Nobody loves me. Nobody cares. I'm all alone in the world and I'll probably die soon.
(This is my standard thing that I say to Dan when I want what I call "love and support" but what translates to "undivided attention." If I have any male readers, I will now give you a moment to celebrate the fact that you're not married to me.)
Dan: (standard response) Oh, honey, I love you.
Me: Am I PMS-ing?
Dan: (standard response) No, no.
Me: Because I feel like I just *had* PMS.
Dan: Me too, dear. Me too.
3.
I was talking to Benny about priorities and how the amount of time we spend in the day doing something can be an indicator for how important it is in our lives, even though we may not realize it. So I asked him, what was the most important thing to him, and he said, "It's my family, mother. Spending time with you and Sadie and Dad. That's all I really care about." I had intended to turn this into a lesson about how reading a book does more for your brain than playing Lego Star Wars on the Playstation, but after that completely heartfelt and earnest response, delivered with this beautiful face of openness and urgency, I didn't have the heart. I told him I felt the same way. What eight-year-old boy says something like that!!! This child has no relationship with sarcasm. None. He is the most un-cynical person I know.
Labels: conversations
We were driving past the hospital where Benny was born. We don't normally go down that road, so I pointed it out.
Me: Look, guys -- there's the hospital where Benny was born.
Benny: WOW! If I was Jesus, we'd be in Bethlehem!
Sadie: Yeah! And if I was God, I wouldn't be afraid of the dark!
And in my neurotic homeschooling mind, my first response was that I need to teach them to correctly use subjunctive tense.
Labels: children, conversations, funny
1.
Sadie and Benny were playing in the bathtub. Benny was pretending to give the bubbles voices and they were talking to her and playing with her. This all went along fine until she looked up at me suddenly, stricken with fear, and said:
"Mommy, do NOT put these bubbles down the DRAIN because they might DIE!"
So, we left them in the tub. I emptied it later.
2.
We were walking back to the van after six hour of hiking around Colonial Williamsburg absorbing historical information. I had no idea where I had left the van. So I said I was going to let the van find us, and I was clicking the keys to lock it so it would beep. Sadie, stomping along earnestly, said:
"Mommy, do NOT make the van find us because I will find the van all by myself I will show YOU where it is and THAT is the end of my tiny little story."
3.
Benny and Sadie were playing and Benny was fighting the evil Shawan, his imaginary nemesis, and Benny said that Sadie had to help him fight Shawan, or else he (Benny) would die! And Sadie said:
"Benny, you know, deep down in my heart, I will never let that happen!"
4.
This morning when Dan got back from his bike ride, we went to IHOP because the cleaning ladies were in the house and the children were uncleaning whatever they cleaned, the minute the cleaned it.
Sadie: I think we should go to Dairy Queen, because I'm really hungry for ice cream!
Me: Wow, really?
Sadie: And then I am also very, very hungry for fries.
Dan: So you want to stop at Dairy Queen and McDonald's, on our way to IHOP?
Sadie: YES!
Dan: That sounds like a lot of restaurants for a tiny little girl who doesn't eat anything.
Sadie: Yes, but I have a BIG GINORMOUS tummy!
Then we went to IHOP and she ate about 1/8th of a pancake. Silly girl.
Labels: conversations, sadie
Me, Benny, Confetti, Sadie, and Folkmanis Puppets
1 CommentsBy Lostcheerio on Tuesday, September 18, 2007 at 9:54 PM.
Me
I am completely creeped out by the lady on the JC Penney ad who says, "Everything in my head, in your hands." It just presents an awful image. A gooey image.
Benny
Benny: Mom, what is confetti?
Me: Oh, you know, it's little torn up paper and stuff.
Benny: Yes, I know, but what is confetti for?
Me: It's for, well, it falls out of the ceiling. Or gets shot out of cannons. It makes things more festive. When something exciting happens.
Benny: Why does it fall out of ceilings?
(Pause. Why *does* it fall out of ceilings?)
Me: I think we better ask Dad what confetti is for. Maybe he has a good answer about that.
(At this point, I'm completely aghast that I have fallen back on Dad already, on a confetti question. I didn't even make it through eight years.)
Benny: I think I might have a good answer.
Me: Oh? What's that?
Benny: People like to catch things. Maybe it's exciting for people to try and catch confetti?
(And this seems like as plausible an answer as any, right?)
Me: That must be it.
Sadie
Every year when we go down to South Carolina we visit a little town called McClellansville. In this little fishing village is an awesome screen-door-bangin' type of seafood restaurant that we like, and also a little cute store that has awesome, puppets by Folkmanis. Over the years we have collected several -- they are all beloved by my children. They love them as puppets but also as favorite stuffed animals.
Folkmanis puppets are the best puppets I have ever seen -- they move in very natural, realistic ways, and they just look -- real. Even the llama. They are magical and delightful. Good detail, sturdy, and each one comes with a little story on the tag. We have the rat, the cat, the jack rabbit, and of course the llama. Here is a picture of Sadie playing tea party with these puppets. I had to take about forty pictures of this charming little scene, but here is just one:
Okay, just one more, to show the puppets a little better:
I am completely creeped out by the lady on the JC Penney ad who says, "Everything in my head, in your hands." It just presents an awful image. A gooey image.
Benny
Benny: Mom, what is confetti?
Me: Oh, you know, it's little torn up paper and stuff.
Benny: Yes, I know, but what is confetti for?
Me: It's for, well, it falls out of the ceiling. Or gets shot out of cannons. It makes things more festive. When something exciting happens.
Benny: Why does it fall out of ceilings?
(Pause. Why *does* it fall out of ceilings?)
Me: I think we better ask Dad what confetti is for. Maybe he has a good answer about that.
(At this point, I'm completely aghast that I have fallen back on Dad already, on a confetti question. I didn't even make it through eight years.)
Benny: I think I might have a good answer.
Me: Oh? What's that?
Benny: People like to catch things. Maybe it's exciting for people to try and catch confetti?
(And this seems like as plausible an answer as any, right?)
Me: That must be it.
Sadie
Every year when we go down to South Carolina we visit a little town called McClellansville. In this little fishing village is an awesome screen-door-bangin' type of seafood restaurant that we like, and also a little cute store that has awesome, puppets by Folkmanis. Over the years we have collected several -- they are all beloved by my children. They love them as puppets but also as favorite stuffed animals.
Folkmanis puppets are the best puppets I have ever seen -- they move in very natural, realistic ways, and they just look -- real. Even the llama. They are magical and delightful. Good detail, sturdy, and each one comes with a little story on the tag. We have the rat, the cat, the jack rabbit, and of course the llama. Here is a picture of Sadie playing tea party with these puppets. I had to take about forty pictures of this charming little scene, but here is just one:
Okay, just one more, to show the puppets a little better:
Labels: conversations, folkmanis, puppets
Sadie was "reading" the Disneyfied version of Peter Pan with the Disneyfied illustrations. Everything she "reads" begins with the phrase, "Yesternight, AFTERNOON!" and then goes on into madness from there. So tonight Sadie was pondering the picture of Wendy, with her lovely brown hair.
Sadie: (sagging back hopelessly against the pillow) Mommy, I wish that I would have BWOWN hair!
Me: Sadie, your hair is the most beautiful color of all!
Sadie: And what about Benny's?
Me: Benny's is the same color as yours. You both have the very most beautiful hair ever.
Sadie: What about yours?
Me: Well, mine is brown.
Sadie: (sagging back hopelessly against the pillow once more) Oh NO! Now I'm sad for you, you don't have pwetty hair!
Me: It's okay, I have you and Benny to look at. I don't need pretty hair.
Sadie: (pause, clearly committed to dragging a tragedy out of the situation in some way) Mommy, *I* don't want to look at your bwown hair!
It's a good thing my husband still thinks I'm beautiful, bwown hair notwithstanding. And, may I point out, this is the first time my hair has been its natural color in over 15 years, and this is what happens! I horrify my three-year-old!
Sadie: (sagging back hopelessly against the pillow) Mommy, I wish that I would have BWOWN hair!
Me: Sadie, your hair is the most beautiful color of all!
Sadie: And what about Benny's?
Me: Benny's is the same color as yours. You both have the very most beautiful hair ever.
Sadie: What about yours?
Me: Well, mine is brown.
Sadie: (sagging back hopelessly against the pillow once more) Oh NO! Now I'm sad for you, you don't have pwetty hair!
Me: It's okay, I have you and Benny to look at. I don't need pretty hair.
Sadie: (pause, clearly committed to dragging a tragedy out of the situation in some way) Mommy, *I* don't want to look at your bwown hair!
It's a good thing my husband still thinks I'm beautiful, bwown hair notwithstanding. And, may I point out, this is the first time my hair has been its natural color in over 15 years, and this is what happens! I horrify my three-year-old!
Labels: conversations, sadie
Sadie: Boger. Boger! Is that funny Benny?
Benny: No, Sadie. It's not funny.
Sadie: What do you want, Benny?
Benny: I want you to be nice and polite, just like Mother and Father, we all want you to be nice and stop saying bad words like Boger.
Sadie: What if I say... (MOMMY WHAT DO I WANT TO SAY?)
Me: Well, what do you want to say?
Sadie: SOMETHING PONITE LIKE MAY I PLEASE.
Me: You could say "May I please say Boger?"
Sadie: How 'bout DEVASTATE. Should I say devastate, Benny?
Benny: Yes. That is a nice, polite word. Good girl.
Devastate is the word I make them say instead of "kill" because I am a liberal owl-hugging communist earth-worshipper.
Benny: No, Sadie. It's not funny.
Sadie: What do you want, Benny?
Benny: I want you to be nice and polite, just like Mother and Father, we all want you to be nice and stop saying bad words like Boger.
Sadie: What if I say... (MOMMY WHAT DO I WANT TO SAY?)
Me: Well, what do you want to say?
Sadie: SOMETHING PONITE LIKE MAY I PLEASE.
Me: You could say "May I please say Boger?"
Sadie: How 'bout DEVASTATE. Should I say devastate, Benny?
Benny: Yes. That is a nice, polite word. Good girl.
Devastate is the word I make them say instead of "kill" because I am a liberal owl-hugging communist earth-worshipper.
Labels: conversations
